Towards the end of their visit we were discussing flowers and I said how Chris, my husband, rarely bought me flowers. As I liked having some in the house I often bought them for myself in the UK but here in France I couldn’t justify buying them for myself as they were so expensive. The last day of the visit my friend went shopping at our local commercial centre and came back saying I was right about the flowers. She would have had to pay 10 euros for a small bouquet.
On Good Friday I drove them to Béziers airport. They said goodbye and left. No thank you gift at all. Having been told 10 euros was too much for flowers I felt all that I had done was not worth 10 euros (£10). Even worse, I felt I was of less value than that.
I put on some worship music and cried all my way home from the airport.
But that released my pain. Pain that is attached to an event is easier to deal with. In releasing my pain I also released the action that had caused the pain. Or maybe it was the other way round; letting go of the action by giving it to God meant the pain went away with it.
That was Good Friday morning. In the afternoon I went into my local supermarket and saw some simple tulip bunches for 3 euros. So I bought a bunch for myself. But later I thought, ‘it is Good Friday, I will give these flowers away.’ So I took them to a friend thinking I could get some more for myself on the Saturday. In the end there was no time on the Saturday to buy any as I had my grandchildren till they were collected by my son in law.
But later that day my son in law, who knew nothing about what had been happening, came round with the most beautiful arrangement of flowers. He said he had been thinking of doing so for a long time and decided to do so that day. It reminded me so strongly of God’s words ‘give and it shall be given unto you.’ I realised that if he had seen my simple tulips on the table when he collected the children he might not have bought me the beautiful arrangement but left it for another time. But those flowers had been given away. I gave away my pain and murmuring and found peace; I gave away my simple flowers and God gave me so much more.
But that is not the end of the story. When Chris died his bishop wrote to me and told me that at the Eucharist service we are reminded of the communion of saints. At that time there is a reunion of those alive and those who have died in Christ. So it was my habit to say to God at the moment I took the bread and wine that I was glad that Chris was beside me. Ever since Chris had died, I had never had any experience of his presence or heard anything. I had been surprised by this as we were very close and very much in love at the end. I really wanted to have something to help me fully believe in eternal life. I knew and believed it in theory but I wanted it to be heart knowledge.
But that particular Easter Sunday morning as I took the bread and wine and celebrated the risen Christ I was not thinking about Chris at all when suddenly I quite clearly heard the words “Did you like my flowers?” It was not an audible voice but I just knew it was Chris speaking to me. Remember I said he didn’t give me flowers. He was making a point to me on this Easter Sunday morning saying, slightly tongue in cheek, “look, when I do give you flowers they really are something.”
Now I am convinced that whatever eternal life means Chris still loves me and is aware of me and God pulled back the veil that separates the living and the dead as an Easter present for me. Suddenly I knew that Chris is still alive and I know it in my heart. It was a weekend that began in tears of pain and ended in tears of resurrection joy.
I am sure there will be some of you who may think this is all my imagination. All I can say is that if that was all it was then I would have definitely decided to imagine it much earlier! Why wait over 3 years if I was controlling what happened. What convinced me more was the change in myself. I had a peace deep inside me that I didn’t have before. I have no desire to hear more from Chris, that might disturb me, that was enough. Now I choose to go on with my life, whatever is in store for me in the sure and certain knowledge that one day Chris and I will be reunited.
Sheila
No comments:
Post a Comment